YOURs, MINE and OURs.

The murkier it gets, the clearer it becomes.

Every time a cheer-leader climbs up the ramp, the wriggle-a-cheek appears to mock at you. You have been had, once again. You thought IPL was for you? Wriggle wriggle. Belonged to you? wriggle wriggle wriggle. Entertain you? umm…yes, that it does. But again, you get entertained, we make the moolah. Correction.

 We, here signifies our little  Indian joint family. Comprising , I, me, my cousins, their brothers-in-law, daughters, step sons, in laws, relatives, Ministers, their relatives, former ministers and…. and Sunanda Pushkar.

I have always enjoyed train journeys in India. Especially overnight journeys. By the time the first mean is over (preceded by snacks of sev, chiwda and biscuits and endless cups of two-by-two inch plastic cups of chaaaai chaai), you know who the chaps across the seat are. By dinner, we know their relatives and have exchanged the pickle and paranthas from our dabba for the sabzee of theirs and by morning, we are caretakers to their baggage, have exchanged addresses and promises to keep in touch, planned future holidays together and also feeling sorry that the journey is coming to an end.

The IPL gravy train is something like that. Increasingly so. It chugged off from station one with eighteen different coaches. So many people of all shapes and sizes. Each in their own world. Suddenly, we have discovered this train has vestibules. Every compartment is illicitly linked to the other. Somehow, I feel we can liken this train to one of the hill station trains.

Two engines. One at the front and one behind. Modi engine and the Manohar engine. And the train is moving at a pace where passengers seem to be walking in and out, with gay abandon. Almost suddenly, its lunch time and snack time, because relationships are coming out in the open.

To begin with, there is Tharoor, who is not related to Sunanda. But, we two are one, so it seems. There is Raj Kundra. less complicated then the Su-shi noodle strap. But the Rajasthan bogey is a gas chamber in itself. There is Chellaram, who is related to Lalit Modi from his wife’s side. Then there is Gaurav Burman related from his step daughter’s side (married to Lalit’s wife’s daughter from her first marriage) Mohit Burman is, needless to say, related to Gaurav Burman. Gaurav has the web rights, Mohit has a stake in RR (so does Chellaram and Raj Kundra by the way).

Then there is Srinivasan from Chennai who has one dotted line to the BCCI and another right into CSK’s backside. His team mentor is K Srikkanth, who of course holds the ah-so-powerful post of selector for Indian Cricket. That Srikkanth’s son also plays in the same team is, umm, incidental. The governing council is now hopping mad. But its articulate member, Tiger Pataudi did not see red when his own son tried to buy his way into the team through the good books of the Dhoots of Videocon fame. On an equally sticky wicket is governing council member and commentator Sunny Gavaskar. IPL makes it mandatory that all matches have to be commentated by Sunny and Shaz. Sunny’s presence has ensured that sonny boy plays form Kolkata.

Kolkata of SRK fame is anything but just that. SRK I mean. Skeletons seem to be tumbling out here too. Juhi Chawla or Jai Mehta or Mauritius.

I shall refrain from any reference to the Kochi team as of now. They have too many ‘relative problems’; of their own. Co-owner Gaikwad says he has nothing to do with younger brother and under-the-scanner RTO brother Gaikwad while co-owner Kotalwar says he is estranged with his MEA officer brother and that they are not on talking terms.

Now, the ministers and their kin. Supriya Sule says nothing to do with IPL. Neither me nor my father nor my hubby. Now, it seems hubby owns a stake in Sony MSM, the people who are ensuring that these cheer-wriggle-leaders get into your bedroom via the tv set. The Aviation Minister initially rubbished any dealings whatsoever. That his daughter working for Lalit’s IPL is honestly no big deal. Thats what is power of networking. So is Mallaya’s daughter. However, the moment Praful Patel’s daughter Poorna began sending classified mails across, to the MEA via the aviation minister, the lines got blurred.

I am tired of writing. And this still seems endless. So many skeletons still waiting to jump out. (Just heard that a chuddi-buddy of the Mumbai Indian’s owner has also been handling a similar digital space business related to the IPL. Not directly, but, run by his son. )

The silver lining to the IPL drama is that Sania and Shoiab are no longer page one. Or three or five or ten.

By the way, Thank you Sunanda. Had it not been for you, IPL would have still remained cricket. Just cricket.

The i-Pill of IPL

IPL will be played in a new avatar next year. The government has taken over the IPL. It may be named after shivaji maharaj or Mayawati. The finals may be played at Baramati or Amethi and commentary will  be in Marathi.

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Backgrounder:

 

With much shxx  having hit the ceiling over IPL , the Su-shi (as Shobhaa De named the awesome twosome) tamasha and then Lalit bhai and his  innumerable relatives, friends, patrons, politicians,  their daughters in and out of the playing field, the government has finally decided to take over IPL.

 

The next instalment is scheduled for March 2011.

 

Here is how the Five month countdown, to March 2011, took place:

 

November 14, 2010:

 

The government today held a press conference addressed by Kapil Sibal to announce the formal take-over of IPL. The breaking news  co-incidentally-coincided with chacha Nehru’s happy birthday but Ministers facing the camera vehemently denied the Congress hi-kamaan  influence had anything to do with it.

Outside, factions of elderly disgruntled congressmen raised slogans demanding Rahul-ji Gandhi-ji to be named chairman of the IPL. Their slogan shouting was not heeded to.

The congress said it was too early to state whether the IPL would be named after shri Rajiv ji Gandhi ji.”Madam will be consulted” they said.

Elsewhere, the CPI(M) and  and BJP held separate slogan shouting, alleging partisan behaviour and said it was a political-hijack of nation’s favourite sport. There was a lathi charge.

The press conference was hastily adjourned after a call from the PMO.

 

November  21:

 

The ruling government announced forming an all-party committee to decide the venues, auction process and team selection etc. The CPI  factions have boycotted the committee.

 

December First week:

The first meeting of the committee scheduled for the first week had to be called off. The meeting will now be held in South Africa.

 

January First week:

With barely two months to go, the government announced the venues for the IPL.

Baramati (Sharad Pawar’s kingdom  for those who are unaware) was chosen as one of them while Jharkhand said they wanted one as well. Within the NCP, Bhandara ( quite incidentally, a constituency of Praful Patel) was chosen as one of the venues. There would be nine matches in Amethi including one final and two sper finals. These details were not available nor could anyone in the Congress answer this as of now.

 

Meanwhile, a fresh trouble has erupted.

 

Mayawati has insisted that she will only allow IPL to happen in UP if the tournament is named  Dr Ambedkar IPL chashak ( trophy) and every match would begin with a Mayawati vandana (prayer) and garlanding of a statue of the honourable Kanshiram ji.

In a related development, the Shiv Sena also made a violent demand that the tournament be named after Shivaji  maharaj. The shiv chatrapati Shivaji maharajah ajinkya trophy.

In Mumbai, the Raj Thackeray led MNS burnt four taxis and beat up fifteen cab drivers over this issue They have demanded that all the match umpires should be Marathi speaking, and commentaries out of matches in Maharashtra do be conducted in Marathi.

(Last heard, Ravi  Shaz Shastri failed the marathi speaking test  Sunny managed to get past as a third upire commentator.

Ravi Shaz has been replaced by Balaji Namdeo  Sapkal from Parel who has been known to conduct tennis ball cricket coaching tournaments. He is also a shakha pramukh of MNS. He was earlier the vibhagh pramukh of the Shiv sena. )

 

March 2011:

 

There was a minor mishap at one of the stadium construction sites (the stadiums are not yet ready) . Incidentally, the contracts for construction have been given to political families from different regions to maintain parity and transparency.

There has been a call in Parliament to delay the IPL because the ruling party may face a no-confidence over choosing Baramati over Amethi for the finals.

 

Meanwhile, the congress party at a press conference announced the head of state of Swazi land (the african country where the king chooses his wives, annually, from a village fair and the remaining women are handed over to his ministers)  as the person to inaugurate the IPL.

None of the political parties protested( Shiv Sena and Samajwadi had not heard of him so they spared the buses and taxis).

 

The IPL was to be inaugurated on the 24 th of March 2011. However, on the 22 nd of March, certain vested interests have filed a PIL in the court of Justice Dinakaran who has ordered a stay on the tournament.

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Sachin, by the way, has migrated to Iceland, Ganguly is in South Africa, Gambhir , Sehwag and others  have opened restaurants. A few other senior players have joined political parties. Yuvaraj continues to attend parties on invitation and otherwise.

Bollywood stars who were earlier seen inside the stadium, are still there. This time, making real money thanks to more politically strong middle-men entering the fray.

 Lalit bhai  has decided to sue the new owners of IPL. The hearing has been adjourned to 2013.

Su-Shi   have have launched an event management company called nautanki. Details can be obtained from their website, type out the password” cattle-class”.

They have moved to Dubai.

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Some of the names in this piece have an uncanny resemblance to a few characters who are living. But behave dead(ly).

This is nothing short of a coincidence. No design or default intended.

 

 

Mooch Nahin to Kuch Nahin…

MOOCH NAHIN TO KUCH NAHIN….

‘Saar, ab ya to mundwa do ya dye karwa do..bahut safed ho gayee hai mooch” (Your mouche is greying very rapidly…either dye it black or shave it off…to look younger). My barber, Saleem, has this to say everything I visit him.

“Have you ever…? Never ever??”

This is a question I am often asked when a routine conversation with new friends (or sometimes old ones) eventually veers towards my moustache. And whether I have ever shaved it off.

There is nothing unusual about my ‘mooch/ mucchi’, as they say in Hindi.

Except, that I really love it. Really really.

And it has been there since the longest that I can remember. It forms a prominent part of my face, so prominent, that once, many years ago, when my brother-in-law saw me for the first time (courtesy a passport-sized pic), his immediate reaction was, “he seems all mooch, no face”. Well, not that I had such a huge mooch, but I have always sported an upper lip growth which I have loved and, without sounding immodest, most people remember it as trademark me. Rather fondly too. So I would assume.

‘No never ever’ was basically my response to the question whether I had ever shaved off my mooch. Never have. Never ever will. (I am hoping I don’t have to).

Hence, this blog.

A blog idea also triggered initially by a rather natty corporate type 40-something neighbor who walked into the building society meeting the other day, looking rather sheepish. He looked ‘different’, to say the least. Initially, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. He was seemingly very uncomfortable with whatever he had done. Then the penny dropped. He had shaved-off his moustache. “Hey did you shave off your moustache??” I asked him, rather incredulously. Yes, am I not looking seven years younger, he asked. You have almost shaved off your manhood, I almost blurted out.

It wasn’t about the shaving or keeping the moustache that had bugged me. But the fact that he had done it hoping that a ‘chikna’ look would add more life years. Or reduce his actual age. Unrelated, but I remembered an unforgettable dialogue from an eminently forgettable Sanjay Dutt movie . Here, Dutt is chiding his side-kick, who is about to blow some candle-flames off his birthday cake. “ Birthday celebrate kya kar raha hai…pata nahi kya tera ek aur saaal kum ho gaya hai”…(why are you celebrating a birthday (you fool), don’t you realize you have lost one more year of your life?”

I wondered if shaving off a moustache meant you actually get to alter your birth certificate.

I noticed asimilar ‘looks’ of desperation while watching the IPL not so long back. ‘Shaz’Ravi Shastri. In his avatar. Fairer, meaner and…err…umm..Younger?? He may have thought his new, mooch-less look would mean he looked chikna and younger. But, here, even his staunchest admirers (of the past) , me being one of them, (I still love watching his Australia performance which won him the Audi decades ago) was unwilling to make a concession. (If there are any such fans of the mooch-less Ravi, please do write in).

The list is endless; the list of such not-so-young men clutching at their youth, by the last remaining hair of their non-existent upper lip hair,seems to be growing by the day. This list also includes many of those who have taken life memberships of the (Hair) Weavers association. Viru and Harsha lead the brigade.

In South Mumbai, as you drive the Babulnath temple, a portrait of a suited booted ‘suddenly turned young’ man greets you. Thats Arun Lal. former Cricketer. Played cricket before Viru was born. But, ‘Mera Hair Dye tumhare hair dye sey kaala kaisey’.

But then, to each his own. Maybe I am wrong. Even Darwin could be wrong. So what if Bachchan said “Moochein ho, to Natthulal jaisi”.

Maybe the life span of the mooch just got shorter.

For the uninitiated:

The word “moustache” derives from 16th century French moustache, which in turn is derived from the Italian mostaccio (14th century), dialectal mustaccio (16th century), from Medieval Latin mustacium (8th century), Medieval Greek moustakion (attested in the 9th century), which ultimately originates as a diminutive of Hellenistic Greek mustax (mustak-) “moustache”, probably derived from Hellenistic Greek mullon “lip”.

ends